Yoga Style

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

“Gladys!” he exclaimed. “For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!”

John and His Boat…

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, “John, what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me… tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin’ over a beer.

Dave says, “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She pulled down her pants and…..

She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! … and I can’t swim Dave! I can’t swim!”

Miscommunication

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…

stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

Doctor’s Office

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk….
The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

Bite them or not ? ? ?

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

“Are you nuts? !!” she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much..”

Period ! !

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a period,” he replied.

“I see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” he said, “but this morning my sister was missing one, and Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army”.

Confession. .

An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren.

Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!”

The priest replies, “Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?” Asks the priest.

“Are you kidding,” exclaims the old man, “I’m telling everybody!”

The Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs.

The sign said: “Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions.” The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.” The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.

It said, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, “I had some other complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomed him and said, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said,

“Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

Snow. . .

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a this black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you” the man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me.” says the man.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow!” the replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”.

The lady replied, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!”

Nun On The Bus…

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway.

“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have sex with you.”he says. “I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God.”she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.”

She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.”

The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus.”

With that the nun turns around and says, “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”

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